it's almost been a month since my last entry. many things have happened then but obviously i was too lazy to blog about it. since my last scan, i've not had a chance to see my baby yet and the wait has, as usual, been torturous... nevertheless, there were many other baby excitement around...

my buddy felt her first baby kick and was absolutely thrilled! since then, she has had many kicking sessions with her son... and she found out that her son likes to listen to a few particulars songs... how cool is that? i tried playing some music on my tummy, only to be told later that my baby has not developed ears yet.... duh!!

ah jo has given birth!!! a very pretty precious princess with a little kink on her hair! very tiny and she slept throughout our visit, so we had no opportunity to see her eyes... ah jo looked so tired as she had a caesarian the night before. man... i better not scare myself cos mine's still a long way to go...

for the last month, my appetite has kinda decreased a little bit and my taste bud has not really improved. though i must say i'm kinda getting used to the awful aftertaste... my diet's still not very acceptable in the sense that i eat whatever i feel like and not what i feel is good for my baby. does that make me a bad mommy??? i'm not those who will force myself to eat something which i do not like but i guess i have to be A LITTLE more conscious of what i eat...

i've put on weight. i dunno how much but i look fat. i don't look pregnant still. i can feel people staring at me and going - is she pregnant or is she just fat? my hair's getting worse... my hubby's given me a new nickname - peacock hair. how much more loving can he get?!? my tummy's grown since... and my hubby inspects my tummy almost everyday... checking if it's growing or not... sometimes it looks bigger but sometimes it just looks the same. we can't really tell if baby's fine but i must stop obsessing over it. they say a mother can transfer her anxieties and paranoia to her baby even at an early stage. i'll be able to finally see my baby in 3 days time!! yippee!!! what's more, perhaps we can finally confirm if it's a boy or girl!

see you soon little one! =)

oscar

yesterday finally went for the oscar test. nurse said - don't go toilet first. duh! i just went! so i had to drown myself with water to fill my bladder up for the ultrascan. when it was finally our turn, we had a chance to see our baby again! baby was sitting in an upright position and the womb seems to be upright too. doc says - cannot measure neck this way. baby needs to be lying down. the solution was to drown more water in so that the bladder will hopefully "push" the womb into a vertical position. darn, i was already bursting my bladder then but diligently drank more water and waited. but we were very happy that baby was fine.

surprisingly, baby was very cooperative during the next scan! the doc moved the scanner around my tummy and baby started to do a little dance and wobble and went to lie down so that doc could take the measurements of the fluid behind the neck. every now and then, baby will jiggle and float upwards and the doc will "snap" a zoomed-in picture of its neck. we were absolutely thrilled with the image. doc commented that baby has a sharp nose. yup, it was rather obvious i would say! doc commented that the measurements seems fine but will still need to combine the blood test results.



when we went back in the afternoon for the results, we were a bit nervous but i kinda knew that baby was going to be fine. and true enough, results show that we're at a low risk of Down's syndrome. oh what a relief! those past 2 months of stress and worry has paid off with this visit. of cos not to mention a hole in the pocket for this bloody expensive test!!! it's really our happy day - it's finally the end of the first trimester and everything will go smoothly from now on. =)

went to meet my 2 dodo friends for dinner and when i broke the news to them, besides the gaping mouth, all sub said was - no wonder i thought you looked a bit chubbier. darn, it goes to show how obviously fat i am. paulie is too polite to say that of cos!

well, another announcement to my other dear friends tonight!!!

glow? what glow?

here i am again, grousing grousing grousing. today dates 12 wks 2 days. one more day before my OSCAR test. can't wait to get a negative result so that everything is "official". my spare tyre seems to have a life of it's own, i have zits on my face, my hair looks like bird's nest, i just look fat and sallow... where's the glow?? i thought most pregnant women glow during their pregnancy? i guess i'm one of the minority. i only look decent after piling on war paint but it still doesn't conceal my chubby face.

just yesterday night, i was telling hubby that if doctor permits me to do re-bonding, i might just cut my hair short. to that he sniggered and was about to say something and he held back. in my heart i knew what he wanted to say and bugged him to say what's on his mind. to which he burst out laughing and said that i'll look even fatter with my hair short. i had to laugh too cos i know that it's true. i'll look like a big head. twit!

nausea's still here, though some moments it's ok. it gets bad in the evenings and i feel like i'm salivating non-stop. it's a real yucky taste. oh please take away my nausea and let me GLOW!!!!

i feel really bad lying to all my friends and it's kinda "lonely" not being able to share my woes and complaints to anyone... maybe that's why i've been so grouchy. i seek refuge in forums and of cos tormenting my hubby. i feel bad making him feel helpless. he just wants to know that baby's safe.

one more day before i can see our baby again!!! =)

and time goes slowly by

it's still only... what? 11wks old?? man... this is really really a long wait. one more week to go before our OSCAR test (which costs a bloody $300!) and the final week of the first trimester. it means that once the test clears, i can "officially" announce to my friends. i feel really bad lying about my pregnancy when they ask "so how? you trying to have a baby?" and i go like "ya, trying, trying. slowly lah" my dear hubby has told me a zillion times to not spill the beans and knowing what i kpo i am, it's really agonising....

the past few weeks have been rather terrible. i mean, on one hand i'm elated about my baby, on the other, i'm plagued by permanent food problems. i'm a pig. i love my selective food. BUT since my pregnancy, my baby has taken over my whole taste system and turned it upside down. i no longer crave my or jian, carrot cake, curry, laksa, maggi mee etc... instead, i find myself eating soupy stuff. in fact, i can't decide what to eat everyday cos i don't feel like eating anything. nothing seems appetising. but i'm bloody hungry most times. and i get ragey when i don't get my food in time. and i have this permanent foul taste in my mouth whole day long. plus headaches. they call this nausea. and i had the cheek to say i wished i had nausea so that i know that i'm still pregnant. damn. my nausea has turned me into a monster. i'm grouchy all the time, i snap at my mum, i am lethargic when i'm with my friends... oh what fun it is to have whole day sickness!

oh, did i mention fluids yet?? i'm thirsty all the time but yet water puts me off. so does coke. or any of my old favourite drinks for that matter. i mean, i can still drink all those but they leave an awful taste after which i absolutely dislike. so there you have it - a dehydrated woman who doesn't like to drink anything.

so i guess it's not all sugar and spice with my pregnancy. one can't have your cake and eat it too huh? my buddy seems to be having a good time though. her tummy's showing slightly and she looks and feels good. she has no morning sickness and a hearty appetite!!! i want that to happen to me!! oh, plus she's having a boy. so she's gonna be one of those who will glow throughout her pregnancy... oh how great that'll be! i bet i'm gonna be those who waddle like a penguin and look like a puffed up ball. imagine me walking beside her. darn.

but but but... i still love my baby ya? i don't regret anything. i just wish the nausea will go away. peace... =)

jiggy shake

we thought we'll see a much bigger baby this time and we were not disappointed indeed. our little baby has grown! we can see its little arm and legs and its head was turned slightly to face our camera. just when we were still staring intently at it, baby decided to go a jiggy shake for us!!! we saw it bounce up in the waterbag before settling down again... we were so thrilled and couldn't stop giggling. it even waved at us (probably just moving the arms but give us the benefit of doubt ya?). we wished we could keep peeping into the little life inside me everyday. one of our silly talks involved getting the same machine so that we can look at our baby as and when we liked. oh, we could even allow people to come view their babies at a small cost! ha... we wish!



our baby, all 3.2cm of it and growing.

little miracles

it's so easy to lament about life's fairness and hardships and forget the little miracles in life. now, there's one living right inside me! we talk about our baby quite a lot and we cannot for the life of us fathom how this little life is just growing right inside me. i mean, hey, we know how it came about but the fact that it's growing at an astonishing rate is just... amazing. sometimes i think about our little secret and i can't help smiling to myself... on one hand, it's a really personal thing. on the other, i can't wait to shout it out to the world - I'M a MOMMY!!! well, that has to wait... at least another 3 weeks or so.

just last week, i had a bad scare. went to the potty and saw blood when i wiped. the bells rang immediately - oh no... not again?!?! i really panicked. my hubby's out washing his car and my mum's around. ok, take it slowly... call the doc to fix an appointment... i called and they said i can come by now. just then, my hubby came back while i was on the line. i saw the look of heaviness on his face when he realised i was calling for an appointment. i can feel what he's feeling...

on the way to the doc, i was almost trembling and starting to tear. cannot focus except - am i miscarriaging again?? hubby tried to calm me down but i can sense his own fears. once at the doc's i cried when i told the doc. off to the ultrasound machine instantly. there, when we saw the baby and his heartbeat, tears of relief came swimming to me. i cannot express my relief enough... doc says it's unexplainable why a healthy pregnancy will bleed but gave me a hormone jab and told me to rest and monitor.

luckily, the bleeding stopped and i never felt happier. after this episode, i'm quite sure our baby's gonna make it this time. within a span of one week, it's grown almost 3x it's size!!! and it's growing it's little hands and legs... man, i can't wait for next week's appointment to see how much he's grown. i can't wait for the first trimester to be here so that i know i can finally rest easy!

bop bop bop bop...

14th Aug
today's d-day. it's our much awaited gynae visit. the past 2 weeks have been rather torturous for us as we're clueless on how our bb has grown since.

the doc knew our anxiety and told us almost immediately that we should go to straight to the scan. my heart thumped nervously... when we saw the monitor, there was the sac! a much bigger one in fact. i nervously squinted my eyes to see if we can see the bb... and there it was! with the heartbeat blinking feverously... when i saw the heartbeat, i shed tears of relief... man, it was such an emotional moment. to know that my bb is growing and that nothing is wrong with it... i mean, nothing beats seeing the heartbeat pounding away, living right inside my womb... my hubby was excited too and he exclaimed how he can see it bopping fast...

the doc told us that the heartbeat looks strong and there is 95% that this will be an ok pregnancy. the feeling of relief just keep washing me over. we were so happy to see the picture of our bb, all 7.5mm of it. bb, be strong. hang in there and we can't wait to see you in April!!!

nausea?

didn't sleep well yesterday night. woke up at 4am & 6am with bad stomach discomfort. couldn't tell if i was feeling nausea or just bad stomach ache... kept getting stomach "burns". man, if this is the start of "morning sickness" i'll be damned!

jitterbugs

i'm almost afraid of putting down this little journey lest i jinx it... yet with my failing memory, i ought to start putting down the little dates so that when i look back, it's not a blur. so what the heck? let this journey begin!

July 2006
been trying for a few months already (though i wouldn't say we've been really hardworking!) and it's starting to worry us. with the previous m/c hovering over us, we're wondering if we're ever gonna get pregnant!

did my calculations... i should be about 2 days late this month because the previous months i was early... counting down to the days when my menses is due.

24th July
today would be the day my menses is due to arrive if it's not late. somehow getting very anxious and still no sign of it yet. bugged my hubby and we both decided to buy a test kit to see if we're lucky! a faint positive line appeared! we're secretly thrilled but decided to wait it out and not get our hopes too high...

26th july
still no sign of menses so just had to try testing again! another faint positive line.... so am i or am i not??? deep down inside, i know i should be but i'm terrified of losing my happiness... we tried to act normal and see a gynae next week.

28th july
yes, another test kit. this time round, we bought clearblue - the trusted brand. i looked at the result, stared hard at it, showed it to my hubby and asked - it's a POSITIVE positive right??? my eyes are not playing tricks on me eh? yes, we're officially pregnant. i grinned, my hubby grinned. but let's go see the gynae before anything else ya?

30th july
i started spotting. slight brownish discharge when i wiped. i feel myself getting clammy... not again i hope! i told my hubby and he looked worried too. i know it's not a good sign and wanted to bring up my appointment earlier. it's anagonising...

31st july
felt faint... instead of brownish, i had red discharge. horrors! changed my gynae appt to tomorrow instead. fingers all crossed. took plenty of rest.



1st august
went to see doc. saw the tiny little sac and was relieved!!! so tiny but really really precious... but doc says sac measures about 4 1/2 wks old only instead of our calculated 5 wks... heart sank a bit cos the other time, sac didn't grow. doc said next appt in 2 wks and should be able to see the little heartbeat by then. really worrying.

2nd august
went to temple to pray today... had a good divination lot! really put me in a good mood. =)

3rd august
still slight brownish discharge... monitoring...

5th august
my dear old friend announced her pregnancy!!! so happy for her... hope mine's gonna be ok so that i can break the news after the first trimester!

7th august
started this blog. no spotting today!!! countdown to next week's appt!